


Potatoes

by uberfuss



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Crack, F/F, Family, Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-14
Updated: 2014-10-19
Packaged: 2018-02-08 19:00:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1952499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uberfuss/pseuds/uberfuss
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Snow suspects something is going on between Emma and Regina, so attempts to discourage with an interesting tactic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I own nothing. Except some potatoes.

Snow White wasn't stupid; at least not as stupid as her husband. She'd seen the tension, the subtle glances and not-so-subtle checking each other out. There was obviously something going on between her daughter and the ex-Evil Queen and she had the perfect plan to combat it.

"Emma?" Snow called through the apartment as she entered with her groceries.

"What?" Came the whiny response from Emma's room. Even though she had a full time job as sherriff and had managed to survive 28 years without her parents, finding them had apparently turned her into an overgrown teenager. 

"I've invited your grandmother over for dinner" Snow said, setting the bags down on the ccounter. A loud thump came from above her head.

Emma's appeared at the top of the stairs, her hair a tousled mess and her tank top riding half way up her stomach. "My WHAT?!" she yelped.

Snow squinted at her flushed face and unkept appearance suspiciously. "Your grandmother" She repeated like she'd been using the term for years.

"Both my grandmothers are dead..." Emma said, the flush being replaced by an ashen expression as she realised who her mother meant.

"Ok, so technically she's your step-grandmother but she's your grandmother all the same"

"Mom, no. Don't call her that, it's creepy. Yeah, she's old-" she glanced quickly over her shoulder, "But she's not my grandmother, she was barely your step-mother. Stop it, you're upsetting me, I'm scared." With that, Emma stormed back into her room and slammed the door.

Snow sighed, the seed was planted, now all she had to do was water it. She still couldn't fathom how the town was still standing when the sherriff was a thirty something woman who acted 17.

The door to her daughter's room flew open, "Mom?"

"Yes, sweetheart"

"Is there potatoes for dinner?"

Snow sighed, there was always potatoes.

 

.........................

 

Two hours later and dinner was ready and on the table. David was already seated, staring at his empty plate, patiently waiting for Regina to arrive so they could begin.

The smell of food had brought Emma down stairs, her appearance slightly tidier, although Snow noted, her hair had obviously only had a hand through it but she'd thrown on a light flannel shirt.

Just as Snow finished placing all the food in the center of the table, the door flew open, almost coming of it's hinges and Regina entered with an added flare to the sway of her hips and her hand movements. She waved her hand as she strode to the table, taking her seat.

"Grand entrances, just can't shake them" She flashed Snow an obviously false smile. 

"I'm glad you could finally join us..." Snow said, smiling as she scooped potatoes onto David's plate, "...mother".

Regina choked on the wine she had just started to swallow and only just managed to get it down. "What?!" She spluttered out, "What's going on? Snow."

"Well, I just thought, we're all speaking again, we're a family. Why not call each other by the terms we really are?" Snow said, giving Regina an innocent smile.

Regina paled and flapped her mouth a few times. "Snow, dear, I was never your mother. Maybe to the people I was but never to you."

"Oh, Regina don't say that. I always saw you as my step mother"

David was still frozen with his hand in mid flight, his fork, full of potatoes, hovering near his open mouth and his eyes flitting between his wife and her ex- step mother.

Regina had turned to Emma for help but the blond was doing her best to ignore the conversation and had stuffed as many potatoes as she could in her mouth. The older woman  
glowered at her and hissed out "Coward" just loud enough for Emma to hear causing her to swallow the mouthful and wince at Regina.

"So where is Henry tonight, Regina?" David asked, recovering from his temporary paralysis.

"He's with Robin." Regina said and stuffed a fork full of potatoes in her mouth before any more questions could be thrown at her.

Snow stared at her curiously while chewing her own mouthful of potatoes. She swallowed and asked, "So are you back together?"

Emma faced Regina and raised her eyebrows, chewing on some potatoes.

"I- no, no we're not. I realised he wasn't right for me."

Snow leveled a condescending look at Regina and 'Mmhmm'ed', then shovelled some potatoes in her mouth.

 

.......................

 

They managed to finish dinner with as little conversation as possible but Snow got the last word in as Regina excused herself to collect Henry.

"Emma, wasn't it nice your grandmother could join us for dinner?" Snow's smile was far too similar to Regina's mayor smile.

Emma's eyes widened at the term and she choked around her mouthful of potatoes. (She couldn't get enough of these potatoes tonight). She recovered, swallowing and looking up at Regina with all the child like innocence she could muster in this ridiculous situation, sounding out a, "Thank you for coming Grandma", and receiving the most toxic glare ever cast upon anyone, ever. The dark curse had nothing on this glare. (Across town, Rumple shivered, he felt the glare).

Regina wasn't a quitter though. She bend down until her nose almost touched Emma's and grabbed her cheek between her thumb and forefinger, "You've just grown so fast, dear. Look at these chubby cheeks. Hopefully you'll grow out of that", and she planted the most sloppy, wettest, most disgusting kiss on the saviors cheek and left.  
Emma grimaced and eyed the left over potatoes.

 

........................

 

Snow was fairly convinced she'd watered the seed well. Her daughters mood had soured, the town meetings had become insufferable once more and she was fairly convinced Henry seemed less mentally scarred than usual.

So she was definitely not prepared for what was happening on her kitchen counter/island when she entered her apartment.

The only fortunate part of this was, Snow could only see Regina's back but she was pretty sure what was happening on the other side. Her presence caused Emma to overreact. Instead of freezing or dragging the other person out of view, Emma tackled Regina of the counter and onto the floor.

"Mom!" Emma exclaimed, "I- I just caught her in time! She was stealing your frying pan!"

Snow was tired of this shit. Apparently her 'grandmother' plan was not working.

 

....................

 

Two days later as Snow pottered about the kitchen, (which had been dettolled to the max, thank you) making breakfast, she reached for the frying pan and came up short. 

"Bitch"

How could she sautee her potatoes now?


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own anything.

Emma was in her happy place. She had endless paper to roll into balls and a trashcan. Life was good. Almost as good as her aim today, but then the phone rang. 

The 'trashcan paper toss' superstar was startled, flinching violently and careening backwards on her chair (Which she'd already been balancing on two legs) and managing to land her head in the other trashcan behind her. Fortunately for the 'superstar', the phone was dragged down with her and landed on her chest, the hand set clunked loudly onto the floor. 

The Sherriff snatched the phone of the ground and placed it to her ear; still in the trashcan.

"Hello, sherriffs station, what is your emergency?"

"I'd like to report a theft"

Emma frowned into the dimly lit trashcan; she could've sworn that was her mother's voice.

"What has been stolen, ma'am?"

"My frying pan! Emma stop it, you know it's me" Snow snapped on the other end.

"Well I wasn't sure-"

"Yes! You were. Now file my report, arrest your grandmother and return my frying pan"

Emma opened her mouth to respond to the grandmother comment but decided to let Snow think she had her victory... for the time being. 

"Alright, I'll arrest my 'grandmother'", the blond shuddered at the words.

"Thank you. Oh and Emma?"

The blond sighed, "Yes, mom?"

"Remember to return my frying pan" and the phone went to dial tone.

 

........................

 

The door to the mayoral mansion swung open as dramatically as it was used to (reinforced hinges, life saver), announcing the arrival of Emma Swan. 

The sherriff strode into the foyer, glancing in each room she passed; an unfortunate habit she couldn't shake. She eventually found herself in the kitchen, spying Regina standing over the stove. A spicy aroma filled her senses and she moved forward to embrace the other woman from behind. 

Wrapping her arms around Regina's waist and resting her chin on the older woman's shoulder, Emma peered down onto the stove.

"That's my mom's frying pan isn't it?"

Regina 'hmm'd' and continued to stir the vegetables she was frying, "Well we did have a story to stick to, dear"

Emma sighed out an "Uhuh", pressed a kiss to Regina's neck and released her, heading for the fridge.  
Emma was a creature of habit and fridge habit meant opening said fridge, removing the juice carton (pausing to stare at the mouth watering tub of last night's potatoes) and walking around drinking out of it while the fridge remained open. Regina did not like this. At all.

"Miss Swan, do refrain from wasting my electricity and putting my refridgerated goods in danger of becoming room temperature" the brunettes eyes tracked her blonde counterpart, her voice rising as she noticed the carton pressed to Emma's lips, "And do NOT drink out of the carton! Even Henry has more manners and he's a child!"

Emma frowned, "Why are you 'Miss Swan-ing' me?"

"Really? That's what you got from what I said?" Regina sighed in disbelief, "You know, you're lucky you're pretty... and good with your hands. You will be 'Miss Swan' until the carton stops going near your mouth and my fridge door is closed".

Emma pouted and sulked over to the fridge, closing it with a little more fervor than was necessary. 

"I'm getting a kitten" She said, then strode out of the room.

Regina blinked and flapped her mouth, trying to find words, "What... the fuck... just happened?"

 

........................

 

The door to the pet shelter jingled as someone entered. David looked up from where he was cleaning a litter tray and a bright smile lit up his face at the sight of his daughter.

"Hey dad." Emma sauntered over and held out the frying pan, "Here's mom's frying pan."

"Oh, thanks. Why didn't you just take it to the apartment?" David asked while storing the frying pan below the counter.

"Coz mom keeps calling Regina my grandmother and it's distressing. She also asked me to arrest Regina but I obviously didn't. Do you have kitten's?"

"Not today, Emz, sorry. I thought Regina had a no pets policy?" David said, scratching his head.

"Yeah, she does but I have this awesome puppy dog face she can't resist" Emma grinned proudly to herself.

David laughed, "I'll believe that when I see it"

Emma shot him a pout and ambled out the door. She had an idea.

 

..................................

 

"Moooooooom" Henry's voice drifted into the kitchen where Regina was preparing dinner. Lasagna. With potatoes.

She swore she could hear a faint mewling accompanying Henry's voice. 

Turning around, her suspicions were confirmed when she spied Henry entering the kitchen with a small furry bundle in his arms.

"Is that... a kitten?" Regina asked, frowning and narrowing her eyes suspicously. She knew Emma must have something to do with this, maybe she thought using their son against her would work. Oh, how wrong she was.

"Yeah, I found it in the foyer. It was sitting in a bunch of Ma's clothes." Henry made a face, "Why were Ma's clothes in the foyer? I thought you guys had decided to stop scarring me?"

Regina's eyes widened. She took in the kitten in Henry's arms. It has fairly long hair for a cat and was, well, blond. 

She stepped toward Henry and held her hands out, "Henry, give me the kitten"

The boy looked up from the ball of fur with wide eyes, "Why? Are you going to kill it?! Mom, no! I know you said no pets but-

Regina cut him of, "I'm not going to kill it! Just give it to me"

Henry handed the kitten to his mother and watched as she stormed into her study muttering to herself.

Once behind the closed door, Regina lifted the kitten up to eye level and sighed, "You idiot".

The kitten meowed pathetically.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own anything.   
> I'm fairly disappointed with this chapter. I was sober when I wrote it, that could be why.  
> Also, the potatoes will return.

Regina had spent the entire morning flitting through spell books and even resorting to the internet for any information she could find. For a vast majority of the time, the kitten had been sleeping curled on her lap until she shot of the couch to grab another book, forgetting the presence until the startled meow sounded as the kittens claws dug into her leg. This happened more times than she'd like to admit.

Now though, she was rushing through the house searching for her car keys, the kitten at her heels meowing.

"Look, I have to go. I got a phone call. Someone blew the science block up at the high school. The mayor must show face", she spun to look down at the kitten, "You'll be fine."

Huge green eyes- reminiscent of puss in boots- stared up at her accompanied by a soft mewl.

"Don't look at me like that, I still hate cats. How did you even manage to do this?! You're insufferable", the brunette rummaged through the drawer in the table by the main door. 

"Meow"

"Emma, where are my keys?!"

"Meow"

"Fine", she disappeared in a cloud of purple smoke.

Emma sat down on her haunches and scanned the foyer. She seemed to be of fairly sound mind despite being a kitten. Although she did have the urge to clean herself excessively   
and pee everywhere. 

'Ohmygod! That plant pot looks like a good place to pee'.

 

.......................

 

Two hours later, Henry found the kitten with its tiny legs sticking out of a cereal box. Also there wwas cereal everywhere.

"Kitty! I thought mom killed you. C'mere!" he scooped Emma up and pulled the box of her head, hugging her to his chest.

"Meow"

The teen held her out at arms length and studied her, "You need a name, kitty. Kitty isn't a very good name. Are you a girl?"

"Meow"

"Cool, I guess that means yes. I'm calling you Susan"

"MEOW!"

"You like it, huh Susan?"

Emma tried to shake her tiny kitten head but apparently it didn't work because her new name was now Susan.

The sound of the front door opening and slamming caused Henry to jump and hold Emma behind his back.

Regina stalked into the kitchen, covered in a foul smelling, bright green liquid, "Where is that damn cat?"

"Uh... I uh, never saw the cat. What's that smell?"

"The science block blew up and there were still some residual reaction pops when I arrived. Give me the kitten, I know she's behind you"

"No! You can't have Susan! She deserves a good home as much as you" Henry tried to slip past her but Regina flicked her wrist and 'Susan' levitated from Henry's arms and into her   
own.

"Susan is not a name for a cat, Henry. And look at her?! It's Emma!" she held Emma out by the scruff. Emma let out a low growl and tried to swipe at Regina's arm.

"Oh... that explains why I haven't seen Ma around"

"Your charming genes are showing, dear. Please remedy this."

Henry glared at his mother as she turned and left the room, his other mother still held by her scruff.

 

........................

 

Regina strode down main street, Emma padding behind her. She hadn't found anything to reverse whatever her idiotic girlfriend had done to herself and needed to ask for help.   
She was fairly sure Gold owed her a favour... but it could be the other way around.

"Meow"

"I'm not talking to you, people will think I'm crazy"

"Meow"

"Seriously, Susan. You're lucky I'm letting you walk, my first choice was a sack"

"Meow"

"Ok, ok I won't call you Susan but if someone ask's what my cat's name is, then it's Susan"

"MEOW! HISSSSSS"

"What on earth-" Regina followed Emma's line of vision to find Ruby standing 50 yards ahead. Cat and wolf were locked in a staring contest, Emma occasionally spitting or growling. 

Ruby unconsciously licked her lips, then seemed to recover and called down to Regina. 

"Hey, your majesty. You might want to carry your cat past me, instincts and all"

Regina looked down at the small fluffy bundle now in a protective stance in front of her feet. Emma had poofed her fur out and managed to look twice her size. She hissed menacingly (not really).

The former queen looked back up at Ruby who was twitching nervously and shuffling from foot to foot. "Oh, I think she can handle herself"

"Seriously, Regina. Ever since the curse broke, I can't stop chasing cats." 

"Don't worry, dear. This one deserves a little chase", the older brunette continued in her previous trajectory towards Ruby, who was trying to force herself back in the direction of Granny's. 

As they got closer to each other, Ruby's wolf senses picked up on something familiar.

"Why can I smell Emma? She's not here..." 

Regina smirked and glanced down at Emma, who was still hissing, "I have no idea"

They managed to make it past Ruby avoiding a chase only due to her confusion over Emma's scent.

"That was close wasn't it?"

"Meow"

"I know, I wish she'd chased you as well"

"Hiss"

"Oh sorry, I must have misinterpreted you" Regina sighed, "Why am I even talking to a cat?"

"Meow"

"Shut up. I don't care how cute you are. You're an idiot"

 

............................

 

"Well well well, what brings you to my humble shop?", Gold said with a sneer as Regina slipped in the door.

"Oh, enough with the crap Gold. I'm sure you know why I'm here" Regina snapped upon entering the shop.

"It seems you're here just to break my 'no animals' rule" he said gesturing to Emma, who stared up at him with wide eyes and let out a tiny mew.

"You let Pongo in here"

"He's an exception"

"Is there something wrong with my cat, Gold?"

"Ah yes, there is. She's not a cat, is she?" the smirking pawnbroker leaned over the counter to get a better look at Emma, "Hello Miss Swan"

"Meow"

Regina bent down, picked Emma up and planted her on the counter, "Can you help us?"

"What's the magic word?"

Regina narrowed her eyes but Gold didn't waver, his smirk still in place. "Can you help us, please?"

"I'll need to know details. How it happened, what she was trying to do, spell, potion. You know."

 

.................

 

Not half an hour later and they had everything they needed to reverse Emma's accident. 

Gold muttered a few incantations and waved his hand around the kitten and a cloud of bluish, white smoke formed around her. When it cleared a very naked Emma was replacing the kitten.

Regina had been ready for the nakedness and threw a blanket over her before Gold could get an eyeful.

Emma stuck her head out of the blanket with a stupid grin on her face, "Ohmygod, Gina! We are so getting a kitten! This was the best day ever!"

"Gina?" Gold asked with wide eyes.

Regina sighed and waved her hand taking herself and Emma back to Mifflin.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I own nothing. This chapter is obscenely short BUT it has the return of something we all love.

It was lasagna day. Henry was happy, Regina was happy, Emma was walking into the kitchen with a loudly meowing box.

"Emma..." Regina growled warningly, "That sounds like more than one cat. Also I'd like to point out, you don't live here"

Emma set the box on the island and smiled sheepishly, "So funny story. I got to the plac-"

"Why did you have to cross the town line to get a cat?"

"Because I had to find an established breeder to get the finest feline genetics around"

Regina raised an eyebrow, "And where did you find this 'breeder'?"

The blonde opened the lid of the box and reached inside, "A farm. So I got to the place and the farmer's like, 'I've got three left' and I was like 'I can't split them up, that's so mean'.   
So I took all three." She pulled out a tiny black kitten who was hissing in a way it thought was threatening but was pathetic. "This is Mills. She was the runt of the litter"

"You named the runt after me?! I am not a runt!" Regina groused, "And you can't call a cat Mills."

Henry jumped into the bickering, adding his own thoughts, "Yeah, that name suck's Ma! You have to let me name one"

Emma ignored him, responding to Regina's opposition of the kittens naming, "Technically you were the runt. Zelena was bigger than you and more powerful. I didn't name her that because she's the runt, anyway. The first thing she did when I touched her was bite me. She's so you, vicious and kinda bad at it"

Regina's eyes narrowed. 

Emma handed Mills to Henry, "You're not getting to name anything ever. You tried to name me Susan"

"Susan was a good name"

"You named Grant. You named your hamster Grant" Emma leveled her son with a look daring him to challenge her, "You might want to ask your Grams where he is, I uh, haven't seen him in a while..."

"What?!"

Emma quickly distracted the teen with another kitten, a brown tortoiseshell, "This is Haggis"

Henry cooed and reached for Haggis, forgetting Grant the hamster. 

"What on earth is a haggis?" Regina frowned.

"It's a weird creature from Scotland, found in the hills. It has one leg shorter than the other and is a delicacy. Haggis looks like a haggis."

Henry stared at Emma incredulously, "Are you being serious?"

"What? About the haggis? Yeah, I saw it on tv once"

"You do realise that is an urban myth Scottish people tell tourists, right?", Henry was desperately hoping she was joking.

Emma's face came up blank. "Wha..."

Henry dropped his forehead to the table a little too hard and groaned out in pain. The two kittens he'd been clutching hopped onto the island and sat staring at Regina. Mills   
hissed.

Emma reached into the box to take out the third kitten, it was cream coloured with a small brown patch around one eye.

"Let me guess? Patch?" Regina smirked at how witty she obviously was.

"No, that's a dumb name" Emma scratched the kitten on the head, "I was going to call him 'The Saviour' but I changed my mind"

Both Mills' and Mills and Haggis stared at her. The air was tense. Emma didn't notice and continued scratching the cream kitten's head.

"To what?!" Regina blurted, "I uh... to what did you change it, dear?"

"Oh, yeah, sorry. Distracted" Emma smiled stupidly, "I called him, Potatoes"


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have had some extreme writers block, so sorry for the delay. As people may have noticed, this story has veered dramatically from its original direction but I'm having fun with it so...   
> Thank you for reading.   
> This chapter is fairly short btw.

Potatoes was the devil incarnate or at least all the victims of Regina's reign reincarnated (as far as she was concerned anyway). 

In his short existence, he'd peed in her Jimmy Choo's and Louis Vuitton handbag, shredded at least 4 of her favourite dresses (one was still missing), tore up EVERY carpet corner   
in the house and left 14 dead mice in her bed. Emma's defense was, 'He's just a kitten'. 

Regina scoffed to herself as she repeated Emma's words in her head, 'Just a kitten? Mmhmm, and they called me evil'

Henry had a theory that the magic in the town had affected the kittens, at this point his mother was inclined to agree. Mills seemed to have grown attached to Regina and only her.   
She still hissed and spat and clawed at everyone else. Haggis was Henry's kitten. Many a time Regina had noticed when she and Emma bickered over something trivial, when Henry shook his head wearily, Haggis would mimick the action and they'd both trot of side by side. 

And Potatoes. That little heathen was Emma's through and through. There was just one difference, Regina was pretty sure Emma loved her, Potatoes did not. 

 

.....................

 

Regina lifted her duvet cautiously, finding (unsurprisingly) another dead mouse just below her pillow; always her pillow.  
She sighed and flicked her wrist, removing the deceased creature and magically changing the linen at the same time. 

Emma padded out of the bathroom, shockingly noticing the change in the bed, "Why's the bed purple?"

"Another 'gift' from your little heathen of a cat" Regina grumbled.

"It means he likes you, he's giving you gifts."

The brunette pursed her lips and levelled the other woman with a glare, "Stop pretending you think that, it's not cute"

Emma grinned and flopped onto the bed, "EVERYTHING about me is cute"

"Especially how humble you are" Regina slid under the duvet and pulled at the edge in an attempt to get more on her side, causing Emma to roll of the bed. 

The thud shook the floor and the bed and Regina crawled over and peered over the side, smirking"That was an impressive thud. Is it time to lay of the bear claws and fries, dear?"

Emma groaned and rubbed her ass, "No, my muscle is just really dense, okay?"

"I see. I've been thinking"

Emma frowned up at Regina, "I don't like the sound of that"

"Don't worry, it's not a plot to kill anyone. I was thinking, we should have a vacation. A weekend, you, me and Henry."

"But what about the kittens?"

"Your mother"

"Regina, I don't think that was really the time a 'yo mama' joke, you do know how to make those right?"

Regina sighed and rolled back onto her side of the bed, "Just get back in the bed, Miss Swan"

"That's what yo mama said"

 

..........................

 

Friday came and Snow and David were standing on Regina's porch waving the three of them off. 

"This is going to be wonderful David!" Snow squealed.

"We've barely been further than the foyer, except that one time in the study." David supplied.

"Oh yes, that was quite a terrifying evening. I made it to the kitchen then too" she continued to babble as they made their way into the house.

"I was in the kitchen once!"

Snow frowned suspiciously, "When?"

"That time I had dinner with Regina, before the curse broke"

"You mean that time Regina tried to seduce you?"

David blushed, "Ok, let's not talk about that"

Snow 'mmhmm'd' and wandered into the kitchen to find the three kittens on the island counter, staring at them.

"Is it just me or do they look like they're sizing us up?" David asked.

"I have a bad feeling about this..." Snow squeaked out.

David could've sworn he saw Potatoes smile.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own anything. I'm not particularly happy with this chapter, but hey, whatever.

The clock chimed through the silent house, signalling midnight. A head turned- green eyes wide- towards the noise. Potatoes mewled softly and Haggis and Mills emerged from the shadows.

'Everything is set? They'll be back tomorrow, we can't risk failure' Potatoes meowed.

Mills nodded after a beat, 'Yes, but I don't like this. The humans are good to us'.

'Good to us?!' Potatoes snarled, 'They left us here with those insipid Charmings! What kind of decent humans do that?'

'I suppose you have a point' Mills sighed, 'But I thought you loved the stupid one?'

Potatoes hissed quietly, 'Let's not talk about how stupid 'I' was in the past'.

Mills dropped the subject and turned her head to Haggis, meowing, 'Are you having second thoughts?'

Haggis did his best attempt at a cat shrug.

 

......................

Snow entered the mansion using the key Regina had given her. (They had decided sleeping at Regina's house was too unnerving; everything was black and white. Like, what the hell was that about?)

The woman slipped through her former nemesis' home with all the stealth she once used during her 'banditry' days -she'd learnt the first day how skittish the cats were- and entered the kitchen, with the intention of filling the food bowls. 

The silence was broken by the shrill ringing of her phone. Snow cursed quietly and pulled out the offending device, answering it with a hissed, "What?!"

"Hey mom"

"Oh hi honey, how is-"

"So, mom, we're actually gonna be away for two weeks, sooooo feed the cats, love you, bye"

Snow glared down at her phone and sighed.

...................

Henry grinned widely as he spun in a circle on the cobbled road, "This is awesome! Gramps is gonna flip when he finds out we went to Scotland!"

"Well maybe we should keep it our secret then, dear" Regina said smiling from her spot next to Emma outside the Worlds End bar. 

Henry frowned and kicked at the brass cobblestone that seemed to randomly be there, "I don't know what's meaner. He has this obsession with William Wallace, something about how he had the biggest sword-" he was cut of by a loud snort from Emma, who had been reading the sign outside the bar. Henry scowled and continued while Regina elbowed his other mother, smirking herself, "-and because he fought for his freedom and his people against an evil king".He paused, waiting for a reaction but Regina was apparently unconcerned with her historic comparison, "So we should tell him coz he'll still want to hear everything"

"Sure kid BUT did you know that that-" Emma pointed at the brass cobblestone at Henry's feet, "-used to be a gate, where the city ended. This was it." she said excitedly and threw her arms out.

"Edinburgh was this small?" Henry's eyes widened as he took in the street around them properly.

"Yeah, that's why it's called the Worlds End bar. The town's people built a wall around the city after a lost battle and the kings men were coming to invade the city. She turned to Regina, who was smiling warmly at their enthusiasm, and kissed her cheek, "Good call on Scotland babe".

Regina hmm'd and started to walk up the Royal Mile, "Shall we continue?"

Emma and Henry stumbled after her, "Wait, we're not going in the bar?"

"No dear, we have a child with us"

"Hey!" Emma exclaimed and pouted. Regina gave her a genuine smile and laced their fingers together as they walked.

..............

Potatoes stared out the window and let out a little cat-sigh. The humans had abandoned them for an extra week and a half. His plan had been for nothing.

Haggis jumped up onto the window sill clumsily and settled next to his brother, 'What's the plan for today then?'

Potatoes turned to Haggis, 'The same as we do everyday, try to take over the world'

'Seriously, you need to stop watching Pinky and the Brain'

........................

 

Emma saw the store first but Henry, ever his mother's son, picked up on it moments later. They both chorused "Fudge!!" loudly and sprinted into the store leaving Regina in the middle of the street, convinced she could still see their outlines next to her. Sighing, she trailed after her two children.

Regina entered the store to find Emma and Henry bickering over what flavours they wanted. She strode over to the counter where a man - Gary, his nametag read- in his early twenties was waiting to serve and gestured at Emma and Henry, "They'll take two of everything, please".

The man nodded and began putting the fudge into a large box. 

"It must be tough, being a single mom, especially with two kids" he said nodding at Emma and Henry, who'd discovered the try-before-you-buy tray.

Regina narrowed her eyes, "Excuse me?"

Gary's eyes widened and he stuttered out, "Sorry, I thought they were with you?"

"They are" Regina gritted out, "But what I'm wondering is, do you honestly think I look old enough to be her mother?!" 

Emma chose that moment to tune back into the world, outside fudge, and began roaring with laughter, clutching her stomach and choking out, "The irony! The irony". Henry bit his lip to contain his own amusement and dragged Emma out of the store.

Regina turned back to Gary, a glare fimly planted across her features, and said, "Hurry up with the fudge or I will destroy your happiness."

Gary gulped and started scooping up fudge as fast as he could. 

When Regina exited the store, Emma burst out laughing again, earning some strange looks from passing shoppers. Henry heard a man say to his friend, "What's wrong with that radge?" as they passed.

"Mom, what's a radge?"

"I have no idea but that man clearly believes your mother is one"

"Well duh"

 

.............

 

An hour later, Emma had finally managed to squeak out, "It's funny coz you're my grandmother" before falling back into fits of laughter, this also earned her a slap on the arm to which a passing woman had shouted at Regina, "Here! Dinnae skelp yer bairns, hen! Lest ye wan me comin' o'er there an kickin' yer erse!".  
Regina had no clue what she was talking about.

Henry subtly steered them into a restaurant called Wetherspoons, he was hungry and he knew Emma would be up for eating. 

Regina disappeared to the 'lady's room' while the other two found a table. Emma perused the menu, pursing her lips. 

"Ohmygod!" She exclaimed loudly, causing Henry to jump. 

"Sssh! What?" the boy hissed. 

Emma turned the menu around and pointed at something on it, "Our cat is on the menu"

Henry squinted at where Emma was pointing and saw, 'haggis' typed there. He gave his blond mother a look and hoped she remembered the conversation they'd once had about what haggis truly is. He didn't have high expectations.

When Regina finally returned, Emma flagged down a waiter. The girl bounced over, overly enthusiastic and asked what they'd like.

Emma pointed at the haggis on the menu, "I'd like the haggis and a coke"

Regina raised an eyebrow, "I thought you were cutting down on the coke, dear?"

"I'm on holiday" Emma grinned.

Regina shook her head and went back to the menu.

"Would you like neeps and tatties with your haggis?"

Emma flapped her mouth and looked to Regina and Henry for help, recieving shrugs. The waitress sensed the confusion and added, "Neeps are turnips an tatties are potatoes"

The blondes eyes widened, "Potatoes..."


End file.
